Before: This is me before listening to KFAC. Overweight, poor, unhappy and alone.
After: This is after 16 short years as a KFAC listener. Rich, trim and sexy.

How classical music changed my life.                                                              

The other day at Ma Maison, as I was waiting for the attendant to retrieve my y chocolate Brown 450 SLC, the Saudi prince I’ve been noshing with said, “Say Bill, how did an unassuming guy like yourself come to be so rich, so trim, so… sexy?”
”My eyes grew misty. It wasn’t always this way, Ahmed, old buddy…”
My mind raced back to the Bad Time, before the investment tips, the real estate empire, before Dino bought my screenplay, and I bought my Columbia 50…
Once I was a lot like you
Working at a nowhere job, hitting the singles bars, watching situation comedies in my free time. I tipped the Scales at 232, but my bank balance couldn’t have tipped the bus boy at the Midnight Mission.
Finally, I hit bottom… Picked up by the Castaic police for bearing my old heap the wrong way over some parking lot spikes
My last friend in this lonely world, Hardy Gustavsen, set me straight while he was driving me back to L.A.
”Bill, get a hold of yourself! Start listening to KFAC!”
”Gosh, Hardy, don’t they play classical music? I’m not sure I cotton to that high brow stuff!”
Aside from a couple of summers at Tanglewood in Aspen, and one semester in Casal’s Master Class…
I knew absolutely nothing about classical music
”Bill, who would be wrong if you got better?”
Looking into a Steely blue eyes, I realized Hardy was right. I resolved to give KFAC a shot.
At first, it was quite painful. Listening to all those hundred piece groups was confusing—I was used to having the drums on the right and the base on the left and the singer in the middle. All those semidemihemiquavers made my head spin
But I started to feel the beneficial effects of classical music, listening, in just a one short week
In no time, I was using napkins with every meal, I switched from Bourbon to an unpretentious Montrachet and I became able to hear sirens, even with my car windows rolled up.
Soon, I was spending every night with KFAC and a good book, like Aquinas’ Summa Theologica
I realize that some of the wealthiest, most famous people in this world listened to classical music– Napoleon, Bismarck, George Washington, Beethoven… and many others who are yet alive today.
Then I met Marlene. The first girl who knew there was more to Sprach Zarathustra than the theme song from 2001. And I fell in love.
Today, I’m on top of the world with a wonderful wife, close friends in high places, and a promising career in foreign currency manipulation
Can classical music do for you what it did for me?
A few years back, scientific studies showed that when dairy cows were played in classical music the quantity and quality of their milk dramatically improves.
Now if it did that for plain old moo cows, imagine what it can do for you!
You might use it to control disgusting personal habits, and make fun new friends. The possibilities are endless!
Can you afford KFAC?
Is lox kosher?
Even the marketing service show that KFAC’s audience is the most affluent assemble of nice people in Southern, California, yes, you can’t afford KFAC! Thanks to their special introductory offer, you can listen FREE OF CHARGE for as many hours as you like without obligation!
Begin the KFAC habit today
Remember, the longest journey begins by getting dressed. Don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers. Tune to KFAC right now, while you’re thinking about it
And get ready for a spectacular improvement in your life
Warn your family and friends that you may start dressing for dinner
You may lose your taste for beer nuts
And the next time you’re on the freeway, thinking about playing with your nose, you’ll find yourself asking:
“Really. Would a KC listener do this?”